Do the Hard Work
We will show up even when community becomes difficult and messy. We will not run from conflict but address it in a healthy and life-giving way.
Matthew 5:21-24 NIV
“You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, ‘You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, ‘Raca,’ is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell. 23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”
The act of is the best you can give to God.
restoration is the heart of the .
Ephesians 4:32 NIV
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
The way of Jesus is and .
The way of the word is and .
Luke 17:1 NKJV
Then He said to the disciples, “It is impossible that no offenses should come…”
“Relationships that deal productively with the inevitable stresses of life are more durable; people who are willing and able to “stick through the hard parts” emerge with a stronger sense of trust in each other and the relationship, because now they have a track record of having worked through something hard and seen that the relationship survived… Healthy conflict resolution builds resilience and trust within relationships, a central goal in fostering community.” —Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, Heen
Conflict—
A disagreement or action through which the parties involved perceive a threat to their interests, feelings, or concerns.
Matthew 7:1-5 NIV
Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
Practices for Healthy Conflict—
1. First
Philippians 4:6-7 NIV
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
James 1:5 NIV
If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
2. Follow Jesus’
The Jesus Process (Matthew 18):
– Speak directly to the person
– Bring a third party
– Involve church leadership
3. Use an conflict style.
Conflict Styles:
> Competing
> Accommodating
> Avoiding
> Compromising
>Collaborating
Romans 14:19 NIV
Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.
4. Identify the Story
Finding the Third Story:
What do we have in common?
Where we agree?
What each other’s position is on the topic/situation?
Proverbs 18:17 NLT
The first to speak in court sounds right—until the cross-examination begins.
5. Listen to , not to .
James 1:19 NIV
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
Proverbs 18:2 NIV
Fools find no pleasure in understanding but delight in airing their own opinions.
“The first service one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them. Just as love of God begins with listening to His Word, so the beginning of love for others is learning to listen to them.” —Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Active Listening—
-
- Listen
- Repeat What You Heard
- In your own words
- Include emotions you pick up on
“Feelings are at the very core of the conflict, not some side issue.”—Douglas Stone
-
- Verify your accuracy
- Rince and repeat if needed
Proverbs 20:5 NIV
The purposes of a person’s heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out.
6. Separate from
John 7:24 NIV
Stop judging by mere appearances, but instead judge correctly.
“Every time I make an assumption about someone who has hurt or disappointed me without confirming it, I believe a lie about this person in my head. This assumption is a misrepresentation of reality.” —Pete Scazzero
7. Focus on a
Think “What contributed” instead of “who is to blame?”
“Talking about blame distracts us from exploring why things went wrong and how we might correct them.” —Douglas Stone
Reconciliation Usually Requires:
> A learning Conversation
> Sincere Apologies
> Real Forgiveness> Time
Romans 12:18 NIV
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Further Reading:
– Life Together by Diedrich Bonhoeffer
– Difficult Conversations by Stone, Patton, & Heen
– Emotionally Healthy Relationships by Pete & Geri Scazzero
– The Secret of Lasting Forgiveness by Bruce Wilkerson